Boundaries – What are They? And How To Set Them
Ever felt a pang in your belly as someone asks you to do something you don’t want to do? Struggled to communicate your feelings in a way that’s true for you, for fear of being rejected or causing confrontation?
Have you felt afraid to say ‘No’?
Yes? Don’t worry – you are not alone! These are all classic scenarios of poor boundary setting – many Kiwis struggle to set clear personal boundaries.
So, what exactly are boundaries?
Best selling author and expert on boundaries, Henry Cloud, describes boundaries as what ‘defines us’. He says they show you where you end and someone else begins, leading to a sense of ownership and freedom.
Essentially, boundaries are a way we take care of ourselves and ensure we can have a healthy and happy relationship with ourselves and others.
Think of them as like our own internal guide post system. They tell the world how we do/do not want to be treated.
Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable, because often we don’t want to be perceived as confrontational or difficult.
However, when you stand up for yourself and take ownership of your wants and needs – you build self trust and confidence.
You send a clear signal to your subconscious mind saying; ‘Hey, this is what I deserve and I’m WORTH standing up for it.’
On the flip side, overstepped or broken boundaries can lead to feelings of anger, bitterness and resentment as someone crosses over that invisible personal barrier of what we deem as acceptable or not.
Because personal boundaries are invisible, it takes intentional and clear communication to tell someone what your boundaries are.
How to set clear boundaries:
It’s important to be in tune with your feelings and understand where your personal limits lie. It’s helpful to think of your feelings like a messenger system. When you notice yourself feeling irritable at a friend or frustrated at your parents, sit and feel the emotion. Then ask yourself; ‘What is causing me to feel this way right now? Is there a boundary that’s lacking and I need to set?’
Jot down how you want to be treated in all areas of your life.
Areas where you’d set healthy boundaries include:
- Physical boundaries – communicating how you do/do not want to be touched
- Emotional boundaries – sharing or not sharing your feelings in a way that’s comfortable for you
- Time boundaries – being clear with how you want to spend your time / letting someone know when it’s actually not ok for them to be late
- Sexual boundaries – being clear of what feels comfortable for you in terms of sex. Not saying yes when you really mean no
- Intellectual boundaries – letting someone know when they’ve talked over you and dismissed your idea – you can do this in a calm way, it doesn’t need to be accusational or confrontational
- Material boundaries – having clear boundaries around your possessions. Not lending a friend a jacket, for example, if you do not want to
Step-by-step formulation of healthy boundary setting:
Outline your boundary followed by a clear request:
“I don’t like it when you go on my phone without asking first – in future, please ask me before taking it.”
Give them a chance to respect and follow your boundary. However, be prepared for potential push back – or someone not respecting your request. This is normal (and a sign someone has gotten too comfortable from benefiting from abusing your lack of boundaries).
For this reason, there must be a consequence if they do not adhere to your new boundary (otherwise there is no point in setting it!):
“If you continue to go on my phone without asking – then I’ll have to let the teacher know you are using it without my permission.”
This lets the person know you are serious about setting boundaries, and have clearly outlined what the expectations and consequences are.
Remember, it’s KIND to be clear. The clearer you are, without getting heated, the kinder you’re being to both yourself and the other person.
If you’re not used to setting boundaries, it is going to feel uncomfortable at first. We humans are social creatures and are wired to want to fit into the group and get along. But as we’ve discussed, disowning your personal boundaries is not healthy – and will only lead to more feelings of upset and hurt in the long run. So getting used to the discomfort and doing it anyway is all part of your growth journey!
If you need to talk to someone about setting boundaries, we’re here to help. Call Youthline’s free helpline on 0800 376 633 or free text 234.
Get professional support
If you’re experiencing harm or are worried about someone you care about, there are people at Youthline who can help. Here’s how you can reach out:
Face to Face counselling (Auckland Only)
Talking to a Youthline counsellor online or in person can be helpful. Find out more here.
24/7 National Helpline
Remember, you can contact us anytime – our Helpline is free, private and available 24/7. There’s no need to worry about anyone finding out. Here’s how you can reach out for help:
Call: 0800 37 66 33
Text: 234
Email: talk@youthline.co.nz
Webchat: You can also chat with us online if that’s easier for you.