Understanding Harm
If you’re worried about your safety or someone else’s, call 111.
If you or someone you know needs help, you can contact Youthline, Oranga Tamariki, Women’s Refuge, Are You OK, or SHINE for advice and support.
Harm, or abuse, is never okay. Talking about it can be tough, but it’s really important to know that there is help out there. If you’re worried you or someone you know is being harmed, we want to help explain what it can look like and who can support you.
What is it?
Harm can happen in many ways and can be called many different things, such as abuse, violence, or mistreatment. Use the term that feels right for you. Abuse is a pattern of behaviour or action that intentionally harms, manipulates, exploits, or controls another person. It can occur in various forms, including but not limited to:
Physical harm
The use of physical force to cause harm, such as hitting, slapping, choking, or other violent acts.
Emotional or psychological harm
Behaviours that undermine an individual’s sense of self-worth or emotional well-being, including insults, threats, manipulation, or controlling actions.
Verbal harm
Using harsh words, yelling, or demeaning language to belittle or intimidate someone.
Sexual harm
Any non-consensual sexual activity or coercion into unwanted sexual acts, including exploitation.
Financial harm
Manipulating or controlling another person’s access to financial resources, such as restricting money, stealing, or forcing someone into financial dependence.
Neglect
Failing to provide for someone’s basic needs, such as food, shelter, medical care, or emotional support, especially when there is a duty to do so.
Cultural or spiritual harm
Using someone’s beliefs or cultural practices to manipulate, control, or harm them, including preventing access to spiritual practices or exploiting cultural values.
Online harm or cyberbullying
Cyberbullying is when someone uses technology, like social media or messaging, to bully or harm you. It can be through hurtful comments, threats, or embarrassing you online.
Harm can occur in various settings, such as within families, relationships, workplaces, or institutions, and it often involves a power imbalance where the harmer uses their position to harm or control the victim.
This page has a lot of helpful information, advice, and resources to support you or your friends if you’re dealing with harm. You’re not alone – there are people who care and want to help.
Examples of what harm can look like:
Example 1
A 14-year-old girl, Ella, lives with her mother, who recently started a demanding job. Her mother is often too tired or busy to engage with Ella after work.
Emma has her basic needs met—she has food, clothing, and shelter—but her emotional needs are overlooked. Her mother rarely asks about her day or provides support when Emma feels stressed about school. Over time, Emma starts to feel invisible and unimportant. She withdraws from her friends and teachers, bottling up her emotions.
Ella is experiencing Emotional Neglect
Example 2
A 20-year-old university student, Alan, recently got a part-time job. His older brother, John, frequently pressures him to lend money under the guise of “helping out” and says he’ll pay it back, but he never does.
Over six months, John has borrowed significant amounts from Alan, promising to pay him back but never following through. Alan feels obligated to keep helping, even though he struggles to pay for his food and rent. When Alan hesitates, Jack guilts him by saying he’s selfish and doesn’t care about his family.
Alan is experiencing Financial Harm
Example 3
A 16-year-old boy, Dom, is in a relationship with his boyfriend, Neil. Initially, Neil was attentive and supportive, but over time, he became controlling and violent.
Neil demands access to Dom’s social media accounts and dictates who he can talk to. If Dom resists, Neil insults him and occasionally becomes physically aggressive, such as grabbing Dom’s arm tightly or pushing him. Dom has started to withdraw from friends and experiences panic attacks when Neil is angry. He feels too scared to leave the relationship, fearing retaliation or social stigma.
Dom is experiencing Physical and Emotional Harm
Supporting friends
What are the signs your friend might be harmed?
If you think your friend might be going through harm, watch for signs like:
- Unexplained injuries
- Changes in mood or behaviour
- Becoming very shy or withdrawn
- Acting aggressively or violently
- Talking about harming themselves or others
How to support your friend
If your friend tells you they’ve been harmed, here’s how to help:
- Listen to them and believe them.
- Encourage them to talk to a professional for support.
- Offer to help them find the right help.
What if your friend is in danger?
If you think your friend is in immediate danger, tell a trusted adult, even if they don’t want you to.
Getting help for harm
If you’re experiencing harm, it’s important to talk to someone. There are many people and services that can help.
Need urgent help?
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call 111 or go to the nearest hospital.
Talk to a trusted adult
If you feel safe, talk to someone you trust, like a family member, teacher, or counsellor. Keep asking for help until you find someone who listens and can help you.
Helpful services
Here are some services that can support you if you’re experiencing harm:
Are You Ok: Call 0800 456 450.
Women’s Refuge: Call 0800 733 843.
Oranga Tamariki: Call 0508 FAMILY (0508 326 459).
Safe to Talk: Call 0800 044 334 or text 4334 for help with sexual harm.
Get professional support
If you’re experiencing harm or are worried about someone you care about, there are people at Youthline who can help. Here’s how you can reach out:
Face to Face counselling (Auckland Only)
Talking to a Youthline counsellor online or in person can be helpful. Find out more here.
24/7 National Helpline
Remember, you can contact us anytime – our Helpline is free, private and available 24/7. There’s no need to worry about anyone finding out. Here’s how you can reach out for help:
Call: 0800 37 66 33
Text: 234
Email: talk@youthline.co.nz
Webchat: You can also chat with us online if that’s easier for you.