Strategies to overcome negative self-talk
Your inner critic can be a valuable tool, helping to push you to being your best self. But too much negative self-talk can draw you into a toxic relationship… with yourself.
Self-talk is the things you tell yourself, whether positive (“I’ve got this!”) or negative (“I can never do anything right!”) Negative self-talk can sound like a critical parent, a mean friend, a bully, or a fearful fantasy. Sometimes it can sound very grounded in reality (“I’m not good at a particular activity, so I should avoid it in the future so I don’t embarrass myself”), but it will often devolve into downright nastiness that you’d never inflict on anyone else.
Too much negative self-talk can cause long-term damage. According to some studies, negative self-talk results in higher stress and lowered self-esteem. It’s also been connected to depression and anxiety. So what can you do to limit your negative self-talk and feel better about yourself?
1. Notice when you’re being negative
Catch your inner critic. Ask yourself if you’d say the same thing to a friend or sibling. It can help to give your inner critic a nickname, as this makes them feel more like a character you can challenge.
2. Acknowledge your thoughts aren’t reality
A lot of negative self-talk isn’t about what’s factually true. It’s all tangled up with your biases and fears and moods and outside influences. When you say things like, “I suck at everything,” that’s obviously not factually true, but say it enough times to yourself and it will start to feel true. When you hear yourself saying these things, acknowledge that they aren’t actually true.
3. Change a negative to a neutral
If you can’t put a positive spin on something, then try to change your negative self-talk to more neutral statements. For example, “I hate…” can become “I don’t prefer…” It’s much less harsh and absolute, and helps to take away the power of your negative self-talk.
4. Be your own friend
If your best friend said negative things about him or herself out loud, you’d be the first one to jump in and tell them they’re being silly. So do that for yourself. Stick up for yourself the way you would for a friend. Read more about being kind to yourself.
5. Does it matter?
Ask yourself if the thing you’re worried about will actually matter in a couple of years. There’s no point beating yourself up for every mistake as if they’re all of equal importance. Picture yourself panning out like a movie camera and seeing your problems from a great distance. They will probably seem much smaller.
6. Replace the bad with the good
Take your negative thoughts, flip it around, turn it inside out, and come up with something positive. It can feel impossible at first but the more you practice this, the easier it gets.
Are you telling yourself negative things too much? What can you do to improve the way you think about yourself? If you’d like to talk to someone, Youthline’s free helpline is available 24/7 on 0800 376 633 or free text 234.
Get professional support
If you’re experiencing harm or are worried about someone you care about, there are people at Youthline who can help. Here’s how you can reach out:
Face to Face counselling (Auckland Only)
Talking to a Youthline counsellor online or in person can be helpful. Find out more here.
24/7 National Helpline
Remember, you can contact us anytime – our Helpline is free, private and available 24/7. There’s no need to worry about anyone finding out. Here’s how you can reach out for help:
Call: 0800 37 66 33
Text: 234
Email: talk@youthline.co.nz
Webchat: You can also chat with us online if that’s easier for you.